I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
