Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
