She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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