When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
