I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
