Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
