someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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