btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
