Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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