I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Randomize
