when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
