I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My room smells like vodka and shame
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
