his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
