I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
