you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
