Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
