so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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