Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I faked an abortion last night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
