I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
