I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
