i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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