so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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