I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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