i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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