so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I need a beard to bite.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
