Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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