Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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