I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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