i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
