I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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