"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i've created a new STD.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
