I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
