so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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