How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
