You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
