Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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