We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
