I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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