we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
