Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
