I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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