Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
