We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Randomize
