I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
