I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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