she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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