He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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