Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
