There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
