Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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