please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
