Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
