If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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