I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
