I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
