You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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