He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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